Dumbest. Holidays. Ever.

I was reminded yesterday of how much I hate certain “holidays.”  What exactly is April Fool’s Day for anyway?  Supposedly its celebration goes back to medieval times but so did lots of other not so great ideas…dungeons and beheadings come to mind.  I think unless you are under the age of 12, it should be like Easter egg hunts – adults should not be allowed to participate.

Don’t get me wrong – I am a big fan of pranks, but doing so on April 1 and then gleefully shouting “April Fools!” seems a bit juvenile.  Also, there seems to be some folks that increasingly cross the boundaries of good taste each and every year.  For example, telling people someone died as a joke isn’t funny, it’s sick, and so is texting a loved one that there is Colombine-type situation going down at your school.

I also wondered Monday when I heard  about the Tsunami warnings in South America – would some people think it was just a prank and ignore it?  Now that’d be some hilarious high jinks, wouldn’t it?

There are other holidays I wish we would do away with as well.  Groundhog Day.  The only thing to like about it is the Bill Murray movie with the same name.  Why would anyone give a flying fuck whether some rodent can see his shadow or not when we have Doppler radar, satellites, and computers to predict the weather – not to mention Al Roker?

I also hate Columbus Day. I think mainly because only government workers and banks get the day off while the rest of us still have to go to work.  Besides, it’s a wee bit controversial to celebrate someone who “discovered” America when it was actually already populated with a native people. Isn’t it akin to someone in the Ukraine proposing they celebrate Putin Day because he “discovered” Crimea?

Bosses Day is another one.  It’s so obviously a Hallmark created holiday because, honestly, every day is bosses day.  If you are such an ass kissing lackey that you actually buy a card and a gift for your boss on this make believe holiday, I at least hope you are in the mafia – otherwise take a long hard look in the mirror and grow a pair buddy.

I certainly don’t want to imply that we should have less holidays than we already do…I am an avid supporter of holidays as long as it results in a day off work and an excuse to consume large quantities of eithr food or alcohol.  I just think we could come up with far better holidays than the ones previously mentioned.  I’d like to propose a few that the powers that be should consider:

Bollywood Day – what better holiday than a celebration of this cinematic treasure from India?  Like any respectable Indian wedding, the celebration would take place over at least 5 days, which is the reason it is first on my list.  It would also involve spontaneous but choreographed dancing amongst strangers in the street.and the wearing of saris so you can eat as much delicious Indian food as you want and not have to unzip your pants at the end of the day.



Post Election Day – a celebration on the Wednesday  following the first Monday in November – in other words, the day after the election. First and formost, it would be a celebration to mark our  freedom from all those moronic political ads. It would also signify the beginning of the end of innocence.  After all, a belief that your candidate is somehow different and would actually bring change to Washington DC, is like stubbornly maintaining a childish belief in The Tooth Fairy – we all agree that the Tooth Fairy is going to steal stuff that belongs to you, but  ultimately you will be disappointed if you think that means they will significantly enhance your personal piggy bank in exchange.


Seis De Mayo – A “nurse your hangover” holiday similar to New Years Day.  If you aren’t going to give us the actual day of drinking off, you damn well better give us the day after.  Unofficially, a day to recover and swear off tequila until either the following fifth of May – or your next trip to Vegas or Cabo.


Federico Fellini Day – Basically an olive branch to our Italian friends since they might feel double crossed by us doing away with Columbus Day and our refusal to give up anything of substance for Lent.  Also, I’m going to assume that gorging on pasta and red wine would be a prominent part of any Italianesque celebration so in my mind that’s a good enough reason right there.  Traditionally, I imagine that this holiday would be celebrated by getting high and going to a Cirque Du Soleil show, followed by waking up the next morning and wondering if it had all just been a dream.


Vice President’s Day – I feel kind of bad for our Vice Presidents,  They really don’t get a whole lot of respect.  Although come to think of it, why would they? Still, it’s about time we have a holiday that celebrates being asleep on the job.  The person who has a title but no real power.  The person whose sole purpose seems to be deflecting the blame or ridicule from the actual guy in charge.   It’s also the ultimate celebration of the game of chance – because every single day they  can either be the butt of a joke – or as fast as a bullet flies through the air – can become the most powerful man on Earth..how’s that for irony?


Atheist’s Day – Let’s be reasonable and finally let the non-believers have a day all to themselves.  I can only imagine how annoying it is for them to watch from the sidelines as the rest of us honor our cherished biblical traditions such as awaiting the giant rabbit that will deliver colored eggs to children on the day of  Jesus’ resurrection.  And of course, the fat man with his flying reindeer traveling around the world, breaking into people’s homes to eat their cookies and drop off gifts made by exploited midgets, to commemorate our savior’s birth.  I’m not sure what they will do to honor their own cherished traditions – but my guess would be that it involves a lot of intellectual debate, Darwin bumper stickers, and hyper-sensitivity.

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