Has anyone else grown weary of the overabundance of superhero movies in theaters lately? Deadpool, Batman vs. Superman, X-Men: Apocalypse, Suicide Squad, Captain America: Civil War – to name just a few of the releases this year. I suppose we can spread the blame over several sources: China’s increasing influence in Hollywood, risk-adverse studios that only care about the bottom line, the popularity of Comic-Con, and the coveted 18-35 dude demographic that marketers always seem to be lusting after.
But how many of these movies do we really need? Isn’t Captain America getting tired of saving our dumb asses? You know the genre’s getting saturated when a movie now has to have at least 3 or 4 superheros – one isn’t enough, and Ben Affleck circles back yet again to reprise his role as Batman…does anyone really want to see another Batfleck? I didn’t much like the first one.
I think it’s time that Hollywood put some of their sizable resources into making newer, more relevant superhero movies – with more interesting protagonists and villains we can all actually relate to, since I doubt I’ll need saving from the Green Goblin anytime soon. I have a few I’d like to suggest:
The Sperminator would be a strong female superhero. Her weapon of choice would be a Spay Ray, which she would use to instantly sterilize any man or woman who did not seem capable of raising productive, well-adjusted citizens. Many of her heroic battles for humanity would take place in Walmarts , DMV’s, and at Oakland Raiders’ Games. The total tool whose favorite word is faggot? Zap. All of the guests and most of the audiences of every Jerry Springer and Maury Povich show ever broadcast? Zap. The trailer chick using her kids’ food stamps to buy smokes and lottery tickets? Zap. The all-around mouth breather that knows everything there is to know about the Kardashian clan, but can’t name one Supreme Court Justice? Zap Zap.
Supperman would be a Clark Kent inspired hero that frequently makes supper for his wife and family…just because he can. After they have both had a long day at work, Supperman would never turn to his wife and ask moronically “So what’s for dinner?” Supperman understands that both sexes are equally responsible for making sure appetites are sated, nourishment is received, and life is sustained. He does not look at a stove and ask “How does this contraption even work?” Supperman is always up to the challenge. His greatest weapon? A frying pan and a spatula, and he wields them frequently.
Iron Maiden would be primarily known for her feats of strength. Her primary mission? To infiltrate health clubs across the country and ensure that all the bros that have set up camp there, – i.e., the ones who spend hours standing around staring at their muscle-shirted reflections in the gym’s mirrors, oozing testosterone, grunting, slamming around weights, and generally making working out an extremely uncomfortable experience for everyone else – were swiftly and appropriately humbled . Deceptively diminutive in size, she would patiently wait for the right moment to make her move. The spray-tanned guy bench-pressing 350, huffing and puffing like he is birthing a child, and leaving his sweat everywhere? Well, the Iron Maiden would quietly slip in after him and, after ensuring a captive audience, would ratchet the weight up to 400, and then complete her set with little or no fanfare, before casually heading over to the next machine whilst blithely ignoring tan-man’s gaping maw. Boo-ya!
The Real Spider Man
This is a different Spider Man than the guy who shoots his sticky stuff everywhere and wears that weird full body sock…kinky. This superhero is just as heroic though, because he takes care of spiders, anytime, anywhere. He knows that they are good at keeping down pests like flies and mosquitoes, so Spider Man goes out of his way to relocate them, if possible. There is no spider too small, too large, or too freaking hairy and scary for him to take on – except for maybe a Goliath Bird Eating Tarantula or a Sydney Funnel Web Spider – but Spider Man generally steers clear of Australia. He’s brave…but not stupid. His weapon of choice is a stiff piece of paper and a recently used glass, but occasionally he has to bring out the big guns – a can of his girlfriend’s hairspray to temporarily immobilize the beast before it can be transported safely to the outdoors.
Wondering Woman asks the questions that we all want to ask, but for some reason don’t. Like -what’s the point of Wonder Woman flying around in an invisible airplane when everyone can still see her inside it? Why can the Hulk grow ten times his size but his clothes remain somewhat wearable, when the rest of us eat a single piece of cheesecake on our period and we can’t zip up our jeans? Why does the Riddler keep leaving Batman clues? Is he stupid? Why isn’t Elongated Man a much more popular superhero? Inquiring minds want to know.
Thing’s cousin from the hood, Bling is also known for his hard exterior, however in his case, it is because of all his man jewelry. His superpower is rumored to be that he is bullet proof, but the bullets might just get deflected by all of the large gold medallions that hang from his neck and double as shields. His weapon of choice is his diamond grill – but he only uses it when extremely provoked, like when he was attacked in a nightclub by a crazed Tyga and his she-devil Kylie Jenner,
Of course this list is not all encompassing – they are mere suggestions. But I think it’s time for a new Caped Crusader in Gotham City. How about you?