Flying to Orange County recently with a low battery on my laptop and an unwillingness to pay $8 for an hour of internet, I was left with perusing the Sky Mall catalog, strategically placed, as always, in the seat pocket in front of me, next to the barf bags and a never read safety manual.
I don’t know about you, but I have always been fascinated by the Sky Mall…it leads to so many questions. Who shops at the Sky Mall? And more importantly, why? Is it merely out of boredom – passengers thinking they might as well buy some shit while they’re just sitting there in that uncomfortable seat?
I am also always strangely intrigued by the items I find in the Sky Mall. Do they have a marketing team that actually has research indicating people are twice as likely to buy a talking dog collar when traveling at 600 mph 30,000 feet in the air? Or is it the same understanding that all tourist destinations seem to share – that as a traveler, suddenly you have lost all sense of taste and the value of a hard earned dollar?
There were some items that I was admittedly tempted to order, just for the hell of it. If I’d had a couple of cocktails in me, as I suspect is often the scenario when many of these items are purchased, I probably would have. After all, these are some truly amazing products.
Pajama Jeans – Now in both boot cut and skinny, which begs the question – do people actually wear these with boots? They don’t look like they’d be super comfortable for sleeping in, so I can only assume you actually wear them out because it’s just too much darn trouble to throw on an actual pair of jeans. And what do you wear them with? I’m thinking they pair perfectly with a total lack of give a damn.
The Biffy Buttler – It’s a bidet sprayer! It’s a digital accessory caddy! This must have product conveniently holds your iPad for you while you’re doing your business and then helps you hose down your ass afterwards. “Buttler” – get it?? Why don’t they just call it the Jizz Butler, since we all know it’s meant for jacking off to porn in the bathroom.
GuitDoorbell – First of all, let’s agree this is one of the worst product names ever. I keep reading it as GuiltDoorbell. Not sure what feelings that name invokes for you, but for me, it is certainly far from welcoming. Is it the great aunt you don’t visit as often as you should just stopping by for a surprise visit? An ex-boyfriend or girlfriend coming by to pick up that last box of things? The police with a COPS film crew standing right behind? Secondly, who exactly would be delighted seeing a guitar perched precariously over their head as they step into your home? And it’s not like it actually serenades you. It plays a single chord. If you fork over $149.99 for this, chances are you probably don’t have guests – you have victims.
The Human Slingshot – Who thought this was a good idea? My guess would be the same people who brought us Lawn Darts and the Exploding Ford Pinto. Then again, if you are willing to be a human slingshot, I say let Natural Selection run its course without interference from class action attorneys.
Jockey Odor Control Boxer Briefs – Can someone please tell me that this ad’s slogan “Smell Like Victory. Not Your Friend Victor,” doesn’t really mean what I think it means?
Soul Combat Headphones – I get why they’d advertise headphones in a Sky Mall Catalog, however it’s a little off-putting when they’re called “combat” headphones, especially since the one guy looks like he’s playing a song titled “Must Kill All Honkies.”
Bigfoot, The Bashful Yeti Tree Sculpture – Okay, I admit I want this one. Bad.
The Silhouette Wine Glass –
This is a wine glass that has an opening to accommodate your nose. Uhmm…my nose fits in a regular wine glass just fine, thank-you. Perhaps I’m not a true wine connoisseur, but if I want some special gizmo to help me drink wine, it’s going to be a nipple that attaches directly to the bottle.